The hardest two weeks of every absence: I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence wife…
I started writing this blog because five years ago - I was the wife and relatively new mama (two kids under three) who was staring down the barrel of a change from our cosy civilian life to the unfamiliar of the military world when my husband transitioned careers and became an officer in the Australian Defence Force.
Call me old fashioned, but as an extremely busy wife and mama of littles - I love a good blog … somewhere I can find all the information I need to know in bite sized pieces that I can skim in 60 seconds. So, two years into our military journey, I set to work designing a website and building out a blog. It's been slow going as we've navigated four Defence postings in five years AND added another two kids into the mix, but here we are today.
I remember thinking so many times back then, how much I wished I'd had a friend, relative or mentor in the army world - a sisterly type - who would share with me all the things I didn't know. Exactly what was I supposed to be preparing myself for? What were the hardships I didn't know were coming? I want to share with you one of those tidbits of information I wish I'd had someone to share with me back before I became a military spouse and mama: that the first and last week of every serving member's absence are an absolute nightmare; it's normal! And you will survive them.
This is one of those things that is just universally experienced by Defence wives with little ones and you wouldn't believe how many conversations I've had with fellow Defence wives who are brand new to the lifestyle that went like this: “...NO WAY! That's a thing? - I thought I was going crazy every time my partner went away!”.
By the time you've spent a year in military life … you've learned all this the hard way and you've battled through the best you could with what you had. My hope though, is that someday, these blog posts will reach the soon-to-be military mamas and Defence wives of Australia; that they can learn from my hard first years and walk into theirs with confidence and knowledge that will make the first absences that little bit less daunting.
I was woefully unprepared for the absences of my husband's first year in the ADF. I had two little ones and was heavily pregnant with our third: “how hard can it be?” I thought. “...besides, I'm as fiercely independent as they come and the kids need me more than him at this age anyway”. Wow …. how wrong I was.
The moment he walked out of the door for his first absence of several months - there was this tangible shift in ALL of our lives. While I was expecting to sail through those early weeks before the hardships of the later weeks set in; I had no idea of the firestorm of emotions that my girls and I would have to navigate every.single.day (beginning the moment our serving member left).
My girls who were typically outgoing, fun loving and super resilient - overnight - started displaying all the symptoms of childhood anxiety. Their huge emotional ups and downs were exhausting and overwhelming and I felt so helpless to guide them through all the feelings around such drastic change, when I was barely holding it together myself.
For days we all struggled with overwhelm and the weight of a million different anxieties - but then - just as suddenly as it started…the anxiety and the burnout faded into the background. Instead of feeling like we were fighting each other, the kids and I began pulling together as a team. We established a new normal, fell into a good routine and set about doing the best we could to get by for the months until my husband returned from training.
Until … the week before he was due home. After so many months of being fiercely independent, making our own memories and making the best of our situation; I figured we'd just cruise up to the finish line in similar fashion but, as many seasoned military spouses will attest … the week before homecoming is the second hardest week of any absence.
Up until this point, we were beautifully ignorant of just how hard our bodies were working to keep us all afloat. But it's as though the body hangs on up until that moment that you hit the home stretch and then goes into complete nervous system collapse. Kids who have been motivated, hard working and resilient - once again become distressed and anxious and volatile in their behaviours. We military spouses often burn out around this time as well and begin a days or weeks long bout of severe illness, exhaustion and/or poor mental health. And then … as suddenly as it came on, the fog lifted, we adjusted to him being home and we felt like we could breathe again.
Military spouse life is a beautiful juggling act: between calm and chaos, stability and instability, adventure and anxiety. Finding this out though, is half of the battle.
If you head into your first separation of weeks or months armed with the knowledge that some days will be infinitely harder than you ever imagined … but that's normal. Then you can overcome, or at least make peace with, the overwhelm, by prioritising self care and patient love for your little ones.
The movies on the couch, the cuddles in bed, the days spent in the home healing, rather than venturing out, the takeaways, the tears and the many many talks about the big feelings of today and hopes for the future … These moments all come together to give you strength for the days to come.
There are brilliant weeks and there are downright awful weeks of any separation. Just remember: they're coming no matter what, they're normal and you WILL survive them by pulling together, finding a new normal and giving yourself so much grace for the difficult days.
I'd love to hear about your first experiences, or any worries you have about beginning this lifestyle … please leave a comment below or reach out via email - because we're so much stronger together ❤️
