I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence Wife: I'd be leaving the home where milestones & memories lived
Preface:
Hey, I'm Jessica! - Welcome to part 1 of my 10 part series: “I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence wife!”. These 10 huge adjustments of each year in the life of a Defence wife and Military mama massively caught me off guard in my first year of Defence wife life. I didn't expect to find some of these moments so emotional, so overwhelming, so exhausting or so difficult to navigate.
My husband changed careers five years ago and we jumped from the civilian world to full on Australian Defence life as he trained to become an Army officer and overnight: transitioned from a 9 to 5 desk job, to one that would take him all over the country and have him away from home for months at a time.
In five years, we've relocated three times (with another seven relocations under our belt before we even joined the ADF) so some of these adjustments are starting to become learned patterns, but I wish I'd known about them so I could mentally and practically prepare before I stumbled through them, piecing things together the hard way.
I'm writing this to my past self and all the women like me who will make the transition in years to come; the young wives, the new mamas, the young women whose loved one joins the Defence Force and whose lives are about to turn upside down for the first - but definitely not last - time. This is what I didn't have anyone to tell me about before I began my first year of Defence life … I hope it helps you feel just a little more at ease about the changes to come!
Know that they're hard, maybe harder than you've ever experienced, but you'll be surprised how quickly you adapt and find ways to celebrate small wins, make new memories and seize the joyful moments in the midst of all the chaos xo
I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence Wife: I'd be leaving the home where the milestones were met & memories were made…
Whether you're uprooting from the neighbourhood and house you thought would be your “forever home” or preparing to move on from the rental house you turned into your family's haven and safe space; the goodbyes and the grieving process look the same.
If your partner has just joined the ADF, or is thinking about it; you're about to be facing the first of MANY house moves and life relocations. If you're like me; there are likely to be years worth of milestones met and memories made in your current house and with an emotion attached to each one of those experiences; our brains form a strong association between the event and the place it happened - which makes letting go and moving on into that first Defence dwelling particularly painful!
It's a tough pill to swallow, especially as a mama. I am no stranger to moving house having done it 10 times in my thirteen year marriage (most of those moves in our pre-army life … can you believe there are careers that involve more moving than military life!?!). But those post baby moves just hit differently! Whether you're newly postpartum or have been in the parenting game for years; there's sure to be plenty of teary moments as you organise, purge, clean and prepare for the movers to come in and haphazardly pile the physical reminders of the life you've built into moving boxes.
You'll find a dusty, stray dummy under the couch while vacuuming and remember what it was like to survive that first year of being a parent and how you did the hardest thing you've ever done - in this house, the one you have to leave behind. You'll be cleaning the garage and flash back to pulling into the driveway with a newborn, fresh from the hospital, and introducing them to this house as their home. You'll remember the first steps, first birthdays, anniversaries, promotions and everything else you ever celebrated and how you thought that you'd live in the place where those memories were made for a long, long time to come.
As a child of the 90's, I grew up watching Steve Martin wax poetic about how he made his fictional “Father of the Bride" house a home: he planted the garden with his own two hands, painted the shutters, drove his babies home from the hospital to show them the nursery he and his wife had lovingly decorated - and I thought this would be my life. I dreamed of creating such a home for my babies and when it became obvious my life was taking a VERY different course, the loss of those dreams felt hard to take.
Here's what I wish I'd had someone to tell me before I made that first Defence move with kids:
It's so normal to be emotional during this process! It's hard to let go of the dream of stability and the life you thought you'd lead, so go ahead and cry the tears, feel the sadness and take some “leaving” photos. Take some pictures before and some after your furniture is gone; take some inside and some outside the house and take some with your family in them too. You'll probably look back on them more often than you think, especially if you're trying to help little people process their sadness too. But remember for yourself and for them: there are always new memories to be made.
Every location will be an adventure: some happier than others, some slower-paced, some faster-paced, but a new journey nevertheless and along the way? You'll see your little ones meet more milestones, your family will make more new memories than you ever imagined and together you'll find new reasons to celebrate the place that you're in ❤️
And after a while … maybe, just maybe, you'll start to enjoy the chaotic, wild ride that military life is and fall in love with all the adventure to come…
I'd love to hear about your first experiences, or any worries you have about beginning this lifestyle … please leave a comment below or reach out via email - because we're so much stronger together ❤️
