Why I hate being a military spouse sometimes (and it's okay if you do too!)

There's a beautiful lie that fledgeling military families are sold: that the hardest part of being a military spouse is initial training. At my hubby's appointment to his first army role - families were thanked for giving up their significant other for a series of months while they undertook rigorous basic training. We were told this would be the hardest it got ... the biggest hurdle of their career (and subsequently our life as a military family) would be the separation we would face in these early days. 

How I wish that was true.

The children and I managed as well as could be expected without hubby while he undertook months of army training in a different part of the country .. until one day, just 5 days from his due to return date - he phoned to say that training had been extended by another two weeks. I wish I could say that I was stoic, but that phone call ripped my heart out and sent my military kids into a fresh wave of grief over their missing loved one. 

That was the moment that the rest of my military spouse career should have flashed before my eyes. Of course any seasoned spouse will tell you that being extended at a moment's notice is part and parcel of having a husband in the military .. but it was a shock to my brand new army wife heart! Actually, all of that year was; my first year of military wife life was a baptism by fire.  

Some would say that we chose this life; and they're right. We chose a career change that would bring stability to our lives in an ever crumbling economic environment (laughable right? That anyone would choose military life for its "stability" ... but we did). We chose a guaranteed annual income and we chose subsidised housing. We chose to explore the country and we chose the community we knew we would become a part of and would make lifelong friends in. 

But how could we have known that by choosing these things, we were also choosing for our serving member to be whisked away by a waiting car in the dead of night, so that babies didn't even get to say goodbye. Or that we were choosing for his homecoming to frequently be pushed out by weeks with just a day's notice. Or that we were choosing to lose him for a hundred evenings worth of mandatory social gatherings every year. Or that we were choosing to become a well-oiled machine that operates so smoothly in his absence (which is most of every year), that reintegrating him into the family when he returns is more of a mission than adapting to his absence in the first place!

I have a love/hate relationship with being a military spouse and for a long time - I struggled with that. Any time I felt angry at having to juggle the emotions of grieving children, or navigate the struggles of solo parenting, or sit with my own loneliness and loss of opportunities - I thought I was being disloyal to my husband and unpatriotic toward my country. But you know what? When we signed up to serve out country - (that's right, I said “we” … because behind every married soldier is a brave and noble woman who is working equally as hard to serve her country by making a borrowed house into a home and raising capable, resilient, emotionally adjusted children - all without the support of her spouse) we didn't abdicate our human nature. We don't become the military equivalent of Stepford wives; service with a smile at any expense. 

We all chose our hard in life and we get to be human and feel the full effect of that choice. We get to say out loud: it's hard and sometimes I hate it - without anyone shutting us down with “but you chose it”. 

We get to grieve lost time and lost opportunities without feeling guilty. We get to cry over missed milestones and lonely hearts without feeling unpatriotic and we get to say out loud: “it's hard and i'm not holding it together” without feeling disloyal. 

If you're reading this, it's because you know as well as I do that the only people in the world who can possibly understand the life you're living are fellow military spouses. Oftentimes we can express empathy towards someone's suffering and put ourselves in their shoes for a little perspective - but there is no ability for someone who hasn't lived this life, to understand, fully empathise or offer all the support we need. Don't let that stop you from feeling though. Feel the hard and let it out the best way you know how; throw those rocks into the ocean, journal out the pain, cry on the shoulder of a fellow military spouse and don't be afraid to say out loud: it's every bit as hard as it looks and I'm really not ok.

You're allowed to love your husband and love your country and not love this life - all at the same time. There are so many joyful parts of military spouse life. Hello's become so much sweeter; they take on a whole new meaning after so many seasons of life elapsed from the moment you said goodbye and watching your babies bond with their daddy after all the missed milestones and achievements is heavenly, but more often than not … military spouse life is just HARD. There aren't all that many hero quests; just a whole lot of survival. You're allowed to hate it sometimes; just don't keep that inside - be vocal with the ones whose love and support you need to survive the hard times. Tell them exactly what you need and let them be there for you during the hardest days!

If you're a military spouse reading this and you feel like there is no one in your world who will empathise with or support you on your hard days - send me a message via email (misadventuresofamilitarymama@gmail.com) or Instagram (@misadventuresofamilitarymama). I want to hear from you, because we're so much stronger together!

Don't forget to head HERE to read my other military spouse posts, hopefully you'll find a little encouragement and solidarity in those too!

Jessica xo