I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence wife: the challenges of starting over and over again…

Preface:

Welcome to part 3 of my 10 part series: “I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence wife!” {you can find part 1 & 2 here!} These 10 huge adjustments of each year in the life of a Defence wife and Military mama massively caught me off guard in my first year of Defence wife life. I didn't expect to find some of these moments so emotional, so overwhelming, so exhausting or so difficult to navigate {click here for my family's military backstory!}.

I'm writing this to past me and all the women like me who will make the transition in years to come; the young wives, the new mamas, the young women whose loved one joins the Defence Force and whose lives are about to turn upside down for the first - but definitely not last - time. This is what I didn't have anyone to tell me about before I began my first year of ADF Army wife life … I hope it helps you feel just a little more at ease about the changes to come!

I wish I'd known this before hubby joined the ADF and I became a Defence wife: the challenges we'd have to navigate over and over and over again with each passing Military move…

Every 12 to 24 months, I pack up my life (and that of my family), say goodbye to the people and places I’ve only just started to call my own, and prepare to begin again. 

Turning a house into a home, finding community within a neighbourhood of strangers and stumbling upon new places to make memories and spend moments that spark joy for our family is becoming a career for me.

After a while, Military spouse life becomes its own familiar rhythm; sometimes it feels daunting, but daring - fearless, but also fear-inducing. Yet something that throws me off each and every time we relocate, is the overwhelming pile of admin we need to complete with each change of address.

Defence wife life, I am learning, is a life of movement. Of change. Of adaptation. And while it’s full of pride, love, and fierce resilience, there are also real challenges that come with starting fresh in a new community each time we’re posted.

This is the messy side of Defence spouse life - the gritty side that doesn’t get saluted, or valued, or even recognised very often; but it deserves to be seen…because moving isn’t just about boxes and addresses. It’s about uprooting lives that have just begun to feel settled.

Each time we receive a posting order, my heart sinks a little. Not because I’m not proud of what we do as a family and not because I'm afraid of change or averse to adventure. But because I know what’s coming.

The heartwrenching goodbye playdates, the farewells at school gates, the tearful parting with the friends you never thought you’d make - but now you can't live without, saying goodbye to the neighbours who brought over home cooked meals when we were sick, and leaving behind the friend who drove me to the hospital when bub was due but hubby was on an interstate field exercise. It’s exhausting grieving the loss of one location and community, while trying to be excited about the next one.

The kids feel it too. Each new town means new communities, the challenge of making new friends, and finding ways to keep up with old ones - as well as a new routine. And as a mama to four, I feel their struggle immensely. I shoulder their emotional transition as well as my own. Sometimes I’m their anchor in the storm, and sometimes I feel like I’m treading water right alongside them.

People often ask, “You must be used to it by now, yeah?” and sure, the logistical side of packing and relocating becomes second nature a few years into this lifestyle, but the never-ending list of updates and changes is always overwhelming.

For the brand new or soon-to-be Defence wife: here’s a glimpse into the family administration every Defence family needs to update with each change of posting:   

Personal and Household…

• Change of address (Notify: banks, electoral roll, Medicare, MyGov, ATO & insurance provider)

• Redirect mail with Australia Post (or invest in a mail holding service like “Hotsnail”)

• Update all sources of ID and driver’s licences

• Transfer utilities: electricity, gas, water & internet

• Cancel old and set up new contents insurance

• Change vet records and registrations for family pets

Education and Childcare…

• Withdraw kids from current school and enroll them in a new one

• Applying for school catchment exemptions (if needed)

• Transfer daycare or early learning centre enrolments

• Find new therapists or specialists (OTs, speechies, psychologists)

• Sign up for new extracurricular hobbies (sports, music lessons, etc.)

Healthcare…

• Find a new GP, dentist, and pharmacy

• Transfer medical records

• Purchase ambulance insurance (for relevant states)

• Locate allied health providers (physios, mental health professionals)

Employment…

• Informing employer

• Registering with local employment agencies

• Updating ABN or business address if self-employed

• Re-establishing client base or job network

• Transferring any professional memberships or licences

Transport…

• Updating vehicle registration and licence

• Changing toll road accounts (like Linkt or EastLink)

• Organising new public transport cards or passes

• Booking car servicing in your new location

Community Integration…

• Finding a new church or faith community

• Joining local parenting or play groups

• Registering with local libraries, sports clubs, or community centres

• Locating the nearest Defence community organisation

• Meeting and greeting new neighbours

As Military spouses, we usually become the default household manager/admin person, not because we’re more capable, but because our partners are often out in the field, on course, or getting settled in their new unit before we’ve even unpacked the kettle. So we do it all. We handle the transition logistics while holding our little people together emotionally (and holding ourselves together with a glass of wine and a block of chocolate haha). 

Honestly, one of the hardest parts (if not THE hardest part of each Defence move) is the isolation. In those first few weeks, before the school gates become familiar and the local barista starts recognising your face, it’s lonely. Deeply lonely.

It’s hard to find your people in a new town, especially when everyone else already has their circles. Sometimes, you strike gold and find out another Defence family lives next door or by chance you meet a welcoming mum while doing the school run. But other times, it takes months (even a year) to feel a sense of belonging and to find someone likeminded to connect with.

That in-between time? That’s when the homesickness hits hardest; not longing for a physical house though, but for the belonging you used to know.

In all these experiences though, I’ve learned to become resilient. Each move has taught me something new. I've become fiercely independent and more resourceful than I ever thought I could be. I’ve learned how to make friends quickly, how to let go gracefully, and how to keep our family strong in the face of constant change.

I've learned the power of routine (even in chaos), the skill of making a new place feel like home fast and the knowledge that no house is “home” … our family is. We are each others’ safe place - so we know that as long as we're together, no matter the postcode, we're home. And there’s a special kind of beauty in that.

If you’re a fellow military spouse preparing for your first move or you're trying to get a handle on how to navigate this life once you become a Defence family; here are a few things that help ease the insanity of posting time:

• Join local Defence spouse groups early: Facebook groups, local playgroups, or on-base Defence community centres will be your best friend!

• Reach out to your partner’s unit’s family liaison for resources and contacts.

• Visit your new town (and new house!) ahead of time and as many times as possible. Especially if you have young children, these day trips help familiarise your family quickly and make the transition less daunting.

• Prioritise self-care: Figure out where you're going to find your people and get there as often as you can (or if childcare isn't an option - join as many online communities as you can!) Find a gym, a spa, a walking route, a class or a quiet space. You matter too!

• Let people in: say yes to coffee invites, introduce yourself at the school gate, and try to connect even when it feels awkward.

• Most importantly: give yourself grace. You don’t have to have it all together. Not right away. Maybe not ever.

Always remember, it’s okay to grieve and be grateful at the same time! Sometimes people say, “But you chose this life.” And yes, in a way, we did. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy and it certainly doesn't mean our hardships should be overlooked. You can be grateful and exhausted. Proud and overwhelmed. Strong and still sad to go.

Being a Defence spouse means living in the in-between. We exist somewhere between postings, between friends and between houses. But it also means learning how to make a life wherever you're planted. And how to love fiercely, even though you’ll have to say goodbye one day.

So to every Defence partner who’s just unpacked or is already preparing to pack again, Here's to you: you’re doing an incredible job.

Time to weigh in! ... What are you most looking forward to about your first Defence posting? Or if you're already a seasoned military spouse: what would you add to my list of must-do admin changes? Hit me up in the comments … I’d LOVE to hear from you!


P.S. Don't forget to subscribe to the blog for monthly emails from me; we'll chat about all things life, love and motherhood in the military! Also: follow along on Instagram to find out what we're up to in our Defence journey and interact on the topics closest to all our hearts…  Jessica xo