Ways to help your little one feel closer to their parent in the military while they're away!
I've been asked a few times by spouses who are new to having a partner in FIFO, first responder or military work: “how do you help kids deal with a parent not being there?”.
There's definitely no one-size-fits-all approach to helping young children process their huge feelings around having a parent that frequently comes and goes or is away for long stretches at a time; but there are definitely a few tools and activities that make the process a little easier!
We've tried a number of different resources and activities over our years in the military so far. Some were a hit and some were a miss; they sounded great in theory but the kids gave up on them pretty quickly. After years of trial and error, here is our shortlist of go to preparations and activities…
These are the ones that help my little ones when their daddy is away with the military - the things that help them feel just a little closer to their dad when he can't physically be with us. Over nearly six years, four children and NUMEROUS months long separations - these are the things we come back to again and again!
…. If you're new to defence life and wondering how to help make the transitions a little easier on your kids - I hope one or two of these suggestions can make your little one's journey through their parent's first absence a little smoother too!
Building a daddy mailbox
We have a “leaving week” tradition of using all of our available recycling cartons and packages to build a mailbox together. My children build it and decorate it together the day that their daddy leaves for training and they station it somewhere central in the house so that if their daddy is away with the army and in a location where he can't receive physical mail (which he usually is!) … my little ones can post everything they would want him to have into the daddy mailbox where it waits until he excitedly opens all their treasures after he returns home.
Writing weekly letters/journal entries
This one goes hand-in-hand with the above idea! After building a “daddy mailbox”, give your little ones some stationary or have them design and decorate their own and let them go wild with the mail they'd like to create for their parent who is away. Drawings, poems, journal entries, letters, songs, colouring pictures; every single one of these activities is highly therapeutic for processing the big emotions felt around a parent's absence. Engaging in these forms of self expression can help little ones to regulate emotion, process thoughts and express hopes - all while creating something beautiful that their serving parent can cherish… win-win!!
Sending daily vlogs
My kids love nothing more than to become content creators the moment their military dad steps out the door for a long leave of absence. Their absolute favourite way to document all that is happening in the life of our family while he's gone is to pick up a digital camera and become vloggers. They become short form content makers and send their dad multiple videos a week to capture all the missed moments and milestones during his absence (and as any seasoned military mama will tell you … there will be MANY). If you add a child or two (or more!) into this crazy ride that is military life - there will ALWAYS be the kid who learns to walk while mummy or daddy is away, the kid who learns to talk, the kid who loses a first tooth, the kid who breaks their arm for the first time, the kid who graduates or the kid who scores a goal for the first time.
Capturing these special moments on film, or even just relaying the stories via video helps little ones feel just a little closer to the parent they're missing and it's a little piece of joy at the end of a long, hard stretch for the absent parent to receive a short video regaling them of the day or week's events.
Doing art therapy daily
In another life, my husband and I were youth workers and we know the power of art in helping individuals of any age - but especially children - process big emotions! Fears, hopes, anxieties and dreams that little ones have trouble articulating in words - will quickly tumble out onto the paper when you put a paintbrush in their hand. For my kids art is life! They are never without a sketchbook or paintbrush in hand and even enjoy dabbling in clay creations and jewellery making - yep, even my four year old son!
Every painting, drawing and sculpture modelled by little hands helps them feel a little more in control of the huge and frightening changes happening around them. They enjoy creating for their daddy and they create for themselves. Regardless of who they make something for, the creative process is so helpful to their development and processing of this journey that is military life.
Ordering a “daddy blanket” or daddy doll
We opted for daddy blankets over ordering daddy dolls as we wanted our kids to be able to snuggle into a soft blanket and imagine they were being cuddled by daddy! This is actually our first year in defence that we've done this and so far they've been a HUGE success. There are multiple online stores where you can source a large (ours are almost queen size), plush blanket and have photos printed directly onto it. My three older children all got to make one; they each had a special photoshoot with their daddy in our backyard a week before he left for several months of training. My kids were so incredibly excited for this photoshoot (really it was just me behind a phone camera), but they each planned their hair and their outfit and the unique poses they wanted to strike in their photos with daddy. Then, they each got to choose as many as they wanted to have printed onto a photograph blanket! It was a little warmer weather-wise when these first rocked up from the printer, but coming into the colder months now - they are getting some serious use!
Writing a daddy bucket list
I've found that once he's left with the military, my little ones spend a huge amount of time reminiscing with each other about things that we did as a family or things they loved doing with their dad before he left. This inevitably sparks a chorus of “when daddy gets back…”. Nowadays we have a running bucket list that we add to each time a child thinks of something that they miss and want to do with daddy again. It helps us to make some plans for the future, but also gives the kids a sense of autonomy. They feel just a little more in-control in a lifestyle that is so drastically out of our control when they get to take the lead on a project and make some plans for the future - which leads me to…
Planning a welcome home party
I've never in our years of defence life needed to take the reins on this one, or even suggest it: kids just LOVE a reason to celebrate. Since his very first absence my oldest has taken on the job of party planner from the moment he walks out the door and now her siblings join in too: they make a clipboard and put their heads together to plan and create everything they could possibly need to throw daddy a party and make him feel special when he gets home again. It's their party too … their time to celebrate themselves and all the hardships they've overcome to make it to the other end of his absence. They’ve been known to get pretty elaborate and hand make decorations, cards, gifts and I think my eldest even made confetti and a wrote a speech for the last one, but no matter the age of your kids or their artistic ability … let them plan a celebration. Life is short, why not find any and every reason to eat cake and have a family dance party? ;)
I hope if you're in the deep end and reading this because you've been wondering how on earth your family is going to adapt to military life in Australia, that you'll feel seen and encouraged and just a little less afraid to navigate that first military absence.
Jessica xo
